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Incomplete Communications and Assumptions Create Train Wrecks
When only part of the story is told or able to be received communication is incomplete. When assumptions are made the very premise of understanding is skewed. It’s like viewing something through a fun-house mirror of glass. You can never assume what someone else’s experience is like. You can empathize and seek to understand, but you truly can never know what it is like for someone else. This is where powerful questions and inquiry make all the difference in getting to clear,[link widoczny dla zalogowanych], mutual understanding.
Wondered why something so good suddenly went bad or vanished without a trace leaving you scratching your head and saying, “what happened?”
Author's Bio:
By Paula Gregorowicz
See all Articles by Paula GregorowiczSee Paula Gregorowicz's Expert PageGet Updates on Relationship AdviceGet Updates on Paula Gregorowicz Average: 0 Your rating: None Tweet
During this no-holds barred exchange both women showed us what it means to be powerful in your own vulnerability. It was oh-so-clear how misunderstandings can occur and on a grand scale and how both pain and purpose result,[link widoczny dla zalogowanych]. Here’s what stood out for me as important lessons:
Have you ever had an important conversation with someone and then seen it blow up in your face?
Reach Out for Reconciliation
If you feel called,[link widoczny dla zalogowanych], reach out. Be willing to be vulnerable and reconcile by cleaning up incomplete communications. Even if the other party is not willing or able to reconcile with you,[link widoczny dla zalogowanych], you can do what you need to do in order to release and forgive (especially forgiving yourself). Without forgiveness you forever drag a lead anchor around with you that keep you stuck in the past in a negative way. You cannot move forward effectively with one foot stuck in the past.
Has a challenging situation got you feeling like you’re stuck between a rock and a hard place? Does questioning your own purpose and confidence leave you setting yourself up for miscommunications or unintended consequences? It doesn’t have to be that way and you don’t have to go it alone… If you’d like to connect for a complimentary Intuitive Intelligence Activation Session,[link widoczny dla zalogowanych], please go to and get in touch.
So what can you do differently? That’s where the lessons illustrated beautifully by this television interview come in.
Our Humanness Levels the Playing Field
While the show focused on this very high-profile situation, at the end of the day it is the beauty in our brokenness and our humanness that unites rather than divides us. No amount of money or success could protect these women from the emotional impact of what happened. So,[link widoczny dla zalogowanych], while this misunderstanding profiles the high stakes of the television industry, a media mogul,[link widoczny dla zalogowanych], and spiritual teacher the same type of situations play out every day in workplaces, business relationships, and households across the globe. In your life and in mine. It is what we do with them that makes all the difference.
It hurts; it can sabotage your success, and can cost you time and energy healing relationships that you never had any intention of damaging in the first place.
Spoken your truth in a way that was not received by the other person the way it was intended?
It’s painful,[link widoczny dla zalogowanych]. I know because I have experienced this numerous times in my life. I’ve lost important relationships that caused me great pain and loneliness even though in hindsight I knew they were meant to fade away. I’ve had my chutzpah handed to me on a platter when I’ve enthusiastically spoken up in professional settings in a way that could not be received,[link widoczny dla zalogowanych]. I’ve had to heal relationships when what was intended and said was not how it was received,[link widoczny dla zalogowanych].
I was watching the recent on-air interview reconciliation between Oprah and Iyanla Vanzant (a former protégé of Oprah’s who vanished from the TV scene eleven years ago) and have to say I was shocked. Shocked but not surprised that even two powerful, successful women who are each spiritual leaders in their own right fell prey to the unintended consequences that come when communications are incomplete and assumptions are made. When the lack of full confidence in who you are sets you up for disaster.
Both Pain and Purpose Flow from Difficult Circumstances
Inevitably pain flows from painful circumstances. It’s obvious. What often takes time to see clearly is the purpose and meaning that flows from them as well. There is always a reason we are experiencing what we are, even if it not clear to us. Usually it can be clear in hindsight and sometimes the clarity never comes. Yet it is up to you to make your mess into an opportunity to grow and be more purposeful.
Confidence is an Inside-Out Job
One of the most touching moments in this interview was when Iyanla said that she thought the world only wanted the work and not her(as a person). Even with all the poise, confidence, and verve that were her signature teaching style on the inside she was still feeling “not enough”,[link widoczny dla zalogowanych], that someone would want her just for being her and not what she could do for the other person. Make no mistake that this pain was at the heart of the misunderstood communications and lost opportunities that followed. When you feel not worthy or “less than” you cannot command your power.
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Obesity and hypertension is often the trigger for hypertension and type 2 diabetes. If you live in a developed country, it is difficult to look around and see that obesity is a problem in most countries. And 90% of these cases are type 2. But these facts do not say what the worst part.
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Hypertension and diabetes are among the fastest-growing epidemics of the 21st century. And they go hand in hand. In fact, if you have high blood pressure, you're on the road to one day be diagnosed with type 2 diabetes. And today, it is estimated that nearly 150 million are currently suffering from this form of it.
What if you save $ 150 for hospital visits and give medical advice. Indeed, nearly 50 million doctor visits in the U.S. alone for high blood pressure. However, your doctor will tell you the following rules to treat hypertension. And you should take this advice seriously. 1. Lose weight if overweight. 2. Be more active by the time work your way up to 30 minutes a day. 3. Eat a healthy diet that is low in cholesterol, saturated fat and salt. 4. Reduce alcohol consumption to no more than one drink per day.
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However custody and visitation must be classified when there are parenting concerns with one of the parents (i.e.: Domestic Violence,[link widoczny dla zalogowanych], Drug and Alcohol use, ever changing work schedules, parent moving out of state) We are here to do what is best for your children, taking every issue into account when putting together custody and visitation plans.
Custody to some people is awarded to the parent who cares more about the children and visiting goes to the parent who cares less. Nothing is further from the truth. All that matters is what is best for the children,[link widoczny dla zalogowanych]. These two words custody and visitation are highly emotional and explosive leading to many court battles and the wasting of thousands of dollars.
By Brian James
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Custody and visitation are legal terms. When discussing parenting, first decide what is best for your kids, then who will have them at certain times and why, and lastly what each parents time will be called.
Another phase that comes up when deciding custody and visitation is "primary residence." This is another one of those legal terms that are highly explosive and emotional, especially when custody is shared and time with the kids is right around 50/50. It's issues like these that can turn a peaceful divorce into a fully blown litigated one. I was shocked at the lengthy discussions my couples and I would have around this one issue. In the end some couples would flip a coin,[link widoczny dla zalogowanych], others would do some bartering, and others would "share" primary residence, which in no way benefits their children. However, the majority of my couples end up agreeing on one primary parent when we sit down and discuss what it really means. Here are some reasons why deciding on one primary parent is in your children's best interest:
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I hope you have gotten from this article the importance of focusing on what is best for your children and letting go of what the wording in a divorce agreement says,[link widoczny dla zalogowanych].
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*All the papers go to one place,[link widoczny dla zalogowanych]; it is better for one parent to get 100% of important papers than for each to get some and not share them.
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As a divorce mediator in Chicago,[link widoczny dla zalogowanych], IL, I spend a lot of my time educating my clients as to what custody and visitation mean. In the past, custody always went to the mom and dad got visits every other weekend. Views have changed over the years. Studies are showing that children benefit more when both parents are active in their lives. Dads are taking proactive roles in their children's lives and this is changing the dynamics of custody and visitation.
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*****
Tip #1: Set Smaller Goals
Activity: Pick a major project. Something you'd like to work towards, over the long term.
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How could you reward yourself for accomplishing these small goals? Pick things that you really enjoy, that you really will do, that fit in your budget and lifestyle.
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Note that these goals use the phrase ‘at least’. This is a way of delineating the minimum you reasonably expect to accomplish, while still inviting you to do more should you feel called to do so. The purpose here is to stay motivated to meet (or exceed) your goals consistently over time -- so you can maintain your motivation and make real, steady progress on your major project.
It will take a while before you can check off a major project like ‘Write Opera’ on your To Do list,[link widoczny dla zalogowanych]. It can be demoralizing looking at ‘Write Opera’ for weeks or months or years as it fades on your white board,[link widoczny dla zalogowanych]. But what if your goal was ‘write at least one song a week’ or ‘devote at least two hours of composing per day’. Rather than thinking about the end product of your major project -- which might be years away -- you can boost your motivation by focusing on what you can do in the short-term.
Barbara Sher advocates this technique. Ask how have you motivated yourself on major projects in the past? Whoever you are, you’ve accomplished some kind of long term project. Maybe you graduated school. Perhaps you lost some weight or learned a new skill. Whatever you did then to stay motivated or to boost your motivation, how can you apply it to your current major project?
If you’d like to share or publish this article, you may, if you include the author’s name (Liisa Kyle, Ph.D.), copyright notice and the following text blurb:
Are you struggling with too many talents,[link widoczny dla zalogowanych], skills, ideas? You may have The Da Vinci Dilemma™! Find tools, fun quizzes, coaching, inspiration and solutions for multi-talented people at
Allow yourself a pleasant treat for every day or week you keep to your gameplan. It doesn’t have to cost money. It might be something like ‘go to the beach and read’ or ‘call a friend’. Go ahead and generate a list of ‘treats’ you enjoy that fit your budget. Now schedule them into your week, contingent on accomplishing your small goals for that week. This way, you'll build motivation into your daily or weekly activities.
Again, the trick here is to actually reward yourself for your accomplishments along the way -- each time you reach or complete a milestone. This might be difficult for those who are perfectionists or particularly driven or otherwise hard on themselves. But without truly acknowledging and rewarding your milestones,[link widoczny dla zalogowanych], your motivation will suffer,[link widoczny dla zalogowanych], your progress will slow and your major project will become unpleasant,[link widoczny dla zalogowanych], joyless and jeopardized.
Some enjoy meditating on the big picture, visualizing a successful outcome in great detail, whatever the major project might be – a book,[link widoczny dla zalogowanych], an opera or a life as a working actor.
Tip #5: Keep your Eyes on the Prize
It's also helpful to ask what practices or habits will increase your motivation over time? Some people like making collages or collecting relevant objects into erstwhile ‘shrines’ that represent their project, then having them handy as a visual reminder. Others like composing songs as an auditory prompt. What would work for you? What would you enjoy making and having handy?
Note that you need to pick manageable, doable regular goals that fit your particular situation -- something that's intrinsically motivating to you. Some people work best using quotas – targeting a particular task each day or week (e.g. I will develop and test at least three new recipes every week). For others, it’s better to assign a minimum time period devoted to a particular activity. (e.g. I will practice piano at least an hour a day, at least five days a week).
Tip #2: Reward Yourself
If your major project is to ‘become a working actor’, for example, there are a lot of milestones you can identify along the way. To the extent that you acknowledge each milestone you accomplish, the path towards your goal will be more motivating. For example, you could earn treats for ‘taking acting classes’,[link widoczny dla zalogowanych], for ‘volunteering on student films’, for ‘volunteering in stage plays’, for ‘creating your reel’, for ‘querying at least five agents or managers per week’, for ‘signing with an agent or manager’, for going on at least three auditions per week’,[link widoczny dla zalogowanych], for ‘getting a callback’ and for ‘being hired for a gig’.
Activity: Create something to represent your overall major project – it could be a collection of objects or a collage or a song or something else. What would work for you? What would you enjoy making and having handy? Whatever you create, keep it near you to keep yourself focused on your overall project.
Activity: Take five minutes to visualize your long-term major project. Imagine a successful outcome, in great detail.
Tip # 4: Use what has motivated you in the past.
How have you motivated yourself on long-term major projects in the past,[link widoczny dla zalogowanych]? What practices or habits have increased or sustained your motivation?
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(c) Liisa Kyle, Ph.D.
The first week on a major projects is like love -- exciting and new. Your motivation is sky high. Maybe the second week too. But if you’re working on a major project over a long period of time, you are likely to find your motivation flagging at some point. It can be difficult to chip away at a major opus for an extended period of time. Especially when it's hard to see much progress. “What’s the point?” we may wail. “I’ve been working diligently on my novel all year but it’ll be years before it's published.” Here's are some proven ways to stay motivated on long-term major projects:
Some of us enjoy crossing things off our To Do list,[link widoczny dla zalogowanych]. I’ve known University professors who gave themselves gold star stickers for every hour spent writing. Jerry Seinfeld marks an ‘X’ on his calendar for every day he writes a joke. His motivation comes from a fervent desire to keep the chain on 'X's' intact for as long as possible -- to never break the chain.
The trick here is to actually reward yourself for doing what you set out to do that week. And every week. That’s an order. If you skip the treats you've earned, your motivation will wither.
How can you apply those techniques to your current major project?
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Tip #3: Mark Milestones
What are reasonable daily or weekly goals you could reasonably accomplish on this major project?
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Sometimes we need to remind ourselves about the big picture: what are we really up to – and why are we tackling this major project anyway,[link widoczny dla zalogowanych]?
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