Forum na temat Dody Doroty Rabczewskiej i Virgin

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Lies,[link widoczny dla zalogowanych], secrets and silence are out. 2009 will be the year of honorable living. The old idea of honor where a man’s “word’ sufficed without any guarantee failed us and became a defining ending in 2008. With so many trusts broken and disgraced individuals who left a worldwide thread of victims from their webs of deceit many now enter a new chapter harmed and mistrusting.
The life we all want and deserve will require a layer of trust to fully recover from this year of damages,[link widoczny dla zalogowanych]. It is not all doom and gloom the possibilities are still endless as we embark on repairing the cracks in our foundations and rebuild from the good and true,[link widoczny dla zalogowanych]. Closing a chapter on the liars and drama will give us more energy to create. This will be the year of a hundred questions. Be a part of this recovery and the solution for 2009.
Lies are usually attempts to make everything easier and with accelerated results to a goal. The lies we have been told and believed or shared and started have used some parts of truth that legitimized the lie. The recent discovery process of so many lies and victims has hardly left any honorable person untouched.
The subject of truth and the foundation from which we must build in 2009 will not come easy. We have become great liars and great believers in the liars. There will be nothing simple about the path and work it will take to live in truth and honor moving forward. The truth is not one thing or a system it is complex and in many cases relies on an entire group,[link widoczny dla zalogowanych], community,[link widoczny dla zalogowanych], company,[link widoczny dla zalogowanych], family etc to all play a part. Within any one entity if one is a liar or less honorable the others will fall with him.
It will take a lot to earn back the trust between people,[link widoczny dla zalogowanych], friends, community leaders and our government. Taking someone at their word is passé. You can no longer just get away with a statement of “just trust me” or “I would never lie to you” or “I won’t lose your money.” Man and their word have lost all credibility as the year closes.
By Shellee Hale
See all Articles by Shellee HaleSee Shellee Hale's Expert PageGet Updates on Life LessonsGet Updates on Shellee Hale Average: 0 Your rating: None Tweet
Author's Bio:&nbsp,[link widoczny dla zalogowanych];
Habitual liars have fleeced America and the world at large,[link widoczny dla zalogowanych]. It was a way of life this past decade,[link widoczny dla zalogowanych]. We became entrenched in the get rich quick schemes and along the way lost our reasoning abilities and conscious awareness,[link widoczny dla zalogowanych]. We bought into the fantasies that in time everything would continue to have this growth on paper from which we could legitimize our spending and continue to borrow from the future to pay for the present,[link widoczny dla zalogowanych].
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Xiamen Net - Xiamen evening news yesterday is the seventeenth World Book Day, in order to understand the students' reading situation, a questionnaire survey was conducted in 100 college students.

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According to "Shenyang daily" reported
, according to media reports,[link widoczny dla zalogowanych], in the flexion >
"申遗" after the success of the first Dragon Boat Festival coincides with the football World Cup,[link widoczny dla zalogowanych], event. Some people stay up late to watch the ball, someone SYPC Expo, the ancient festival slightly embarrassed. In addition to the media repeatedly mentioned in traditional custom,[link widoczny dla zalogowanych], and what new elements may be injected into the dragon boat, back to the heart of the young man?
traditional festivals for elderly participants how to move the young
Dragon Boat Festival this year, is South Africa World Cup also divert a lot of young people.
reports that, every Dragon Boat Festival,[link widoczny dla zalogowanych], businesses have come up with a lot of marketing means to attract consumers. However,[link widoczny dla zalogowanych], this year because of the world cup,[link widoczny dla zalogowanych], Shenyang shopping malls on the Dragon Boat Festival Promotion obviously inferior to many. Dumplings are not sold,[link widoczny dla zalogowanych], but expensive World Cup soccer "celebrate" are sold very well.
has pointed out in the comments, as traditional festivals, traditional folk activities although has certain promotion effect on the promotion of the national traditional culture, but only satisfied with this, do not pay attention to inject vitality into the new factors, it is difficult to let people have a special feeling for the "".
According to a recently survey
, three into much netizen "bearish" dragon boat festival. In the survey,[link widoczny dla zalogowanych], two adult that the Dragon Boat Festival is just to give a "reason", to family and friends. Even many netizens think, the Dragon Boat Festival is the festival has been forgotten, no special feeling.
, China is in the first year of the Dragon Boat Festival as a UNESCO World Intangible Cultural Heritage,[link widoczny dla zalogowanych], but for many Shenyang supporters,[link widoczny dla zalogowanych], the Dragon Boat Festival this year, the most important thing is to watch the day begin at two thirty in the morning, Brazil on North Korea's world Cup football match. The newspaper reporter interviewed 10 young people, including 8 people said during the Dragon Boat Festival to watch the world cup is the most important entertainment, has said 6 people have to look at the day of the Dragon Boat Festival in Brazil and North Korea game.
Dragon Boat Festival and the World Cup would have no comparability. But the "crash" by the young people love degree, but bring out the traditional folk festival in an embarrassing situation, i.e. expert media Repeng, but it is difficult to attract young people to participate in the. "Folk" is called folk, must have the majority of private participation in infrastructure. If the young people do not care, traditional customs even be "protection", will be in the museum scene, can only "see" and difficult to the inheritance and development of.
dragon boat "cold" attractive face world cup
in fact, according to experts, the traditional Dragon Boat Festival customs, rich and colorful, including blue soup bath,[link widoczny dla zalogowanych], hanging mugwort calamus, Department, throwing disaster, drinking wine, eating dumplings,[link widoczny dla zalogowanych], Dragon-boat race. In recent years, governments at the dragon boat festival organizing cultural activities, tries to restore the public participating interest of dragon boat festival. Unfortunately, for most people, especially the younger generation, the Dragon Boat Festival is still only means "to eat dumplings, Dragon-boat race".

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As expected, "Les Misérables" -- the film adaptation of Victor Hugo's 19th century novel -- was the winner of the Globes best comedy or musical category, and its stars Hugh Jackman and Anne Hathaway won acting honors.

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,[link widoczny dla zalogowanych]
Almost seven in 10 Koreans aged between 40 and 69 believe they are not old enough to rank as senior citizens,[link widoczny dla zalogowanych], according to a poll jointly conducted by Kyobo Life Insurance and Senior Partners, a portal for elderly citizens.
The survey, which highlights Koreans' young-at-heart mentality, was carried out on 1,[link widoczny dla zalogowanych],000 people in this age group who have a monthly income of W1 million or more (US$1=W1,[link widoczny dla zalogowanych],087). The results were published last week.
According to the results,[link widoczny dla zalogowanych], 544, or 54.4 percent, said they would consider someone as a senior citizen only if they are between 70 and 74. Another 144 people,[link widoczny dla zalogowanych], or 14.4 percent,[link widoczny dla zalogowanych], said they would consider 75 as the threshold. This means that 688 people,[link widoczny dla zalogowanych], or 68.8 percent of those polled,[link widoczny dla zalogowanych], do not feel that 60 equates to the mantle of "senior citizen." Only 47 respondents believed that those in the 60-64 age bracket could be considered so.
Their psychological understanding of their own age was also much younger than anticipated. One in two said they feel at least six years younger than they are,[link widoczny dla zalogowanych], while 369 perceived themselves as 6 to 10 years younger,[link widoczny dla zalogowanych], and 166 people said they feel 11 to 15 years more youthful.
However, many were not set up financially for their retirement. The respondents showed average savings of W100 million,[link widoczny dla zalogowanych], although three times this amount is considered necessary to see them through their twilight years.
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Koreans must have been born to parents who stayed abroad more than six months studying or working for Korean companies to be given dual citizenship, according to new citizenship guidelines released by the Justice Ministry on Sunday.

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,[link widoczny dla zalogowanych]
news:
alarm clock stopped,[link widoczny dla zalogowanych], mobile phone explosion
user Samsung Galaxy Note 2 charge exploded when
late yesterday, the user is given in micro-blog said,[link widoczny dla zalogowanych], Quanzhou a user's Galaxy Note 2 mobile phone charging, suddenly exploded.
in order to let everyone believe it,[link widoczny dla zalogowanych], then the user is active released Note 2 images of the aftermath,[link widoczny dla zalogowanych], should look the battery to blame.
we will charge or pay attention to it, try not to put the mobile phone on the bed charge, after all this kind of thing to happen is not the time to two times.
Quanzhou
mobile phone alarm after being off soon,[link widoczny dla zalogowanych], "bang" sound of bombing,[link widoczny dla zalogowanych], let the machine main no sleep.
this is a HTC mobile phone, battery burned deformation, wood floor burned black. Mobile phone is through the network to buy before the spring festival. Yesterday reporters call HTC customer service hotline,[link widoczny dla zalogowanych], staff will contact Miss yu.
the day before yesterday morning 8 points, Wolong City Xiao Miss Yu is sleeping,[link widoczny dla zalogowanych], mobile phone alarm clock rang, she reached out by, back on the bedside table. Did not expect, soon,[link widoczny dla zalogowanych], suddenly "bang" sound,[link widoczny dla zalogowanych], mobile phone jumped up, body blow,[link widoczny dla zalogowanych], battery fell on the wooden floor burn, smoke, scared Miss Yu quickly picked up the slippers, slapping, and shouted to family members for help.
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2012, just out of prison with his wife and daughter came to Jiangxi a little Ganzhou. A month after that, little work as usual to get home, but when he went to the door, but found a home in the dark, do not see any light.

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,[link widoczny dla zalogowanych]
Korea suffered a crushing away defeat to archrival Japan yesterday evening as their friendly encounter resulted in the home team scoring three goals by halftime to finish the match 3-0,[link widoczny dla zalogowanych].
Korea was outplayed in almost every position of the football field at the 67,[link widoczny dla zalogowanych],000-capacity Sapporo Dome in Hokkaido,[link widoczny dla zalogowanych], in what history may remember as one of the nation's most dismal ever performances against its neighbor. The last time Korea got mauled by Japan to such an extent was over three decades ago when it lost 1-4 back in 1974.
It soon became apparent that Korea had no way of coping with Japan's quick passes and the skill of its individual players. This disequilibrium came into sharper focus in the 34th minute when Borussia Dortmund striker Shinji Kagawa scored the opener,[link widoczny dla zalogowanych], with Keisuke Honda of CSKA Moscow adding the second some seven minutes after the break. Kagawa added the final nail in the coffin two minutes later.
Korea's attacking line could not match that of Japan, which fielded seven starters who ply their trade in Europe. Yet Korea's overseas attackers ran out of ammunition early,[link widoczny dla zalogowanych], with stars such as Park Chu-young of AS Monaco, Lee Keun-ho of Gamba Osaka and Koo Ja-cheol of VfL Wolfsburg having no answers to Japan's slick display.
The team will probably now go into self-reflection mode and, hopefully, make a more concerted effort to patch up the holes left by Manchester United midfielder Park Ji-sung and Lee Young-pyo, who have both retired from international duty.
They may also come up with better answers for future absences of Lee Chung-yong,[link widoczny dla zalogowanych], who plays for Bolton,[link widoczny dla zalogowanych], and Ji Dong-won,[link widoczny dla zalogowanych], who plays for Sunderland,[link widoczny dla zalogowanych], both in the English Premier League. Neither figured in last night's game as Lee was on the injured list and Ji had club commitments.
Japanese football columnist Meiji Yoshijaki said,[link widoczny dla zalogowanych], "Japanese football is entering its heyday as a large number of players head to the European leagues and the team returns to its original style of solid team work. On the other hand, Korea seems to be struggling to cope with changes brought about following the departure of Park Ji-sung."
Japan's Shinji Kagawa is in high spirits after scoring the opener against Korea in their friendly match at the Sapporo Dome in Hokkaido on Wednesday. /AP-Yonhap
Koo Ja-cheol reacts after falling down from a tackle during a friendly match with Japan at the Sapporo Dome in Hokkaido on Wednesday,[link widoczny dla zalogowanych]. 相关的主题文章：

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Koreans must have been born to parents who stayed abroad more than six months studying or working for Korean companies to be given dual citizenship, according to new citizenship guidelines released by the Justice Ministry on Sunday.

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The storm also severely affected transportation with scores of flights canceled,[link widoczny dla zalogowanych], roads closed and rail services disrupted.
The deaths were caused by storm-related accidents in Pennsylvania,[link widoczny dla zalogowanych], Connecticut and Massachusetts. One of the hardest hit areas was New Jersey,[link widoczny dla zalogowanych], where more than 650,[link widoczny dla zalogowanych],000 customers are without power. It could be several days before all services are restored throughout the multi-state region.
Some information for this report was provided by AP,[link widoczny dla zalogowanych], AFP and Reuters.
A person carries boxes as snow falls over the northern New Jersey region during a rare October snowstorm on Oct. 29,[link widoczny dla zalogowanych], 2011. /AP
Several northeastern U,[link widoczny dla zalogowanych].S,[link widoczny dla zalogowanych]. states have been witness to a rare October snowstorm that caused three deaths and cut power to more than 2 million homes and businesses,[link widoczny dla zalogowanych].
As much as 30 centimeters of snow fell in parts of Pennsylvania,[link widoczny dla zalogowanych], Connecticut and New Jersey,[link widoczny dla zalogowanych], setting records and forcing officials to declare states of emergency.
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Koreans must have been born to parents who stayed abroad more than six months studying or working for Korean companies to be given dual citizenship, according to new citizenship guidelines released by the Justice Ministry on Sunday.

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The
,[link widoczny dla zalogowanych]
is a migrant workers carrying two snakeskin bag to take the bus, he was the 712 bus driver for a few minutes in the door. 9, netizen "the micro-blog released viticis 027",[link widoczny dla zalogowanych], caused many users to pay attention to.
on the 9 day at eleven thirty-seven in the morning, "viticis 027" release micro-blog says, a few minutes ago, she in Hankou Aviation Road,[link widoczny dla zalogowanych], the car, saw a workers look man, a front and a back shoulder two baggy snakeskin bag,[link widoczny dla zalogowanych], when he managed to get on the bus,[link widoczny dla zalogowanych], the driver was quickly shut the door, and man shall not be, just caught in the middle of the door,[link widoczny dla zalogowanych], wherein a snakeskin bag caught in the car door (Figure). "Viticis 027" also introduced, man is caught in the door after door opening, had begged the driver, but the driver has not been for their move. In the meantime, also open the door to two passengers on the train. Finally,[link widoczny dla zalogowanych], the female driver found "viticis 027" lift the mobile phone camera, just open the door to let the men on the bus.
yesterday, 712 belong to the Wuhan three bus company responsible person,[link widoczny dla zalogowanych], according to investigation, the female driver Wang Mou says it has certain discrepancy. Wang Mou says,[link widoczny dla zalogowanych], the same day in the morning at eleven thirty PM, a foreign man from the rear door carry some package on the car, and a shoulder pole two snakeskin bag from the front of the bus,[link widoczny dla zalogowanych], the passengers had more, foreign man with package, not the car at the door,[link widoczny dla zalogowanych], she persuaded a foreign man a bus. At that time, she did not shut the door, the man does not agree to sit a bus leave, have been deadlocked at the door for about 3 minutes, finally she will block at the door of the passengers in the car, the man was completely into the car.
driver is true? Bus three said that the company will make further investigation on the matter, if the driver has problems, will earnest processing to the. (AFP reporter Shu Jun Huang Shifeng)
reporter saw,[link widoczny dla zalogowanych], after the release of the micro-blog caused thousands of netizen attention. Many netizens said, migrant workers for the development of bloody big Wuhan perspiration, hope the community can give migrant workers some convenient; some is directly to the driver is too much.
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Koreans must have been born to parents who stayed abroad more than six months studying or working for Korean companies to be given dual citizenship, according to new citizenship guidelines released by the Justice Ministry on Sunday.

yuvsgvoand

Core tip: April 9th in Gutian County, Shan Yang Zhen, from Ningde Akihito (Department of Ophthalmology) hospital doctors are by ophthalmoscope, slit lamp and other instruments,[link widoczny dla zalogowanych], for careful examination for dozens of cataract patients with poor local.
Ningde net news (Li Guobin Chen Xiaoju) April 9th in Gutian County, Shan Yang Zhen, from Ningde Akihito (Department of Ophthalmology) hospital doctors are by ophthalmoscope,[link widoczny dla zalogowanych], slit lamp and other instruments,[link widoczny dla zalogowanych], for careful examination for dozens of cataract patients with poor local. After screening,[link widoczny dla zalogowanych], eligible subjects will become the direct beneficiaries of Ningde "charity bright line -- cataract patient assistance program" large-scale public welfare activities, receiving free treatment.
reportedly,[link widoczny dla zalogowanych], April 1st to December 31st, charity in Gutian,[link widoczny dla zalogowanych], Fu'an, Zhouning charity match, will continue to unite Ningde Akihito (Department of Ophthalmology) to carry out the "charity bright line -- cataract patient assistance program" large-scale public welfare activities in hospital. The activities of the aid object for the residence in the city of poor cataract patients, in which five households, low-income families,[link widoczny dla zalogowanych], poor families,[link widoczny dla zalogowanych], the elderly,[link widoczny dla zalogowanych], poor ethnic families,[link widoczny dla zalogowanych], family poor households,[link widoczny dla zalogowanych], "lost" family and other vulnerable groups may be preferred for a free operation qualification. It is understood, this activity can provide free operation for 300 patients, including Gutian, Fu'an, 3 counties (city),[link widoczny dla zalogowanych], each 90, city and other counties (city) 30.
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2012, just out of prison with his wife and daughter came to Jiangxi a little Ganzhou. A month after that, little work as usual to get home, but when he went to the door, but found a home in the dark, do not see any light.

yuvsgvoand

yesterday afternoon, Jiang Dai Road near the building unity after the incident. It is understood, a man robbed a woman gold necklace,[link widoczny dla zalogowanych], fled. Enthusiastic passers-by Mr. Liu with Mr. Ye Road,[link widoczny dla zalogowanych], a man went to, really can't run anymore. In people's help,[link widoczny dla zalogowanych], Mr. Liu and Mr. Yip Man control,[link widoczny dla zalogowanych], and put him down on the ground.
reportedly,[link widoczny dla zalogowanych], grab the gold man Liu is the Guizhou people,[link widoczny dla zalogowanych], this year 23 years old,[link widoczny dla zalogowanych], he was penniless,[link widoczny dla zalogowanych], was rushed to the police Lin Weiguo brought to the police station. Police also hope that the girl can take the initiative to the police station with the investigation into the matter.
Time: 5 points yesterday afternoon,[link widoczny dla zalogowanych]; location: after Jiang Dai Road
fled process,[link widoczny dla zalogowanych], the man dropped the necklace,[link widoczny dla zalogowanych], the woman take the necklace back after leaving the scene.
&nbsp,[link widoczny dla zalogowanych];
the network November 22nd news (channel Herald reporter Huang Minjiang) men openly in the streets to grab the gold necklace, two enthusiastic passers-by blocked his way, and put it down on the ground.
More than 5
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2012, just out of prison with his wife and daughter came to Jiangxi a little Ganzhou. A month after that, little work as usual to get home, but when he went to the door, but found a home in the dark, do not see any light.

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Two days before his relapse, he went to the gym.
At the gym, he thought members of the staff looked at him in a strange way.
He interpreted their looks as judgments about himself.
He felt both embarrassed and hopeless. He felt hopeless because it seems that would never feel normal in any of the places he wanted to belong
He went directly home without doing her errands because he didn’t want to be seem by anyone.
Lying on the couch while watching TV, he became sexually aroused and distracted from his earlier feelings of embarrassment and helplessness.
He went to the computer and looked for a site with free porn pictures.
After his orgasm, he felt ashamed that he had look at porn after he had promised himself he wouldn’t do that again.
He felt hopeless and depressed and thought about what a loser he was.
He thought about how no one would ever love him.
He thought he would go crazy if he couldn’t be loved and sexually satisfied by a woman.
He thought he has to prove himself that he could have s*x with a woman and that he was not a loser. He thought he needed to regain his self-control.
This client’s chain brought him to a brothel where he had s*x with a prostitute. Following his experience, he felt an immediate sense of demoralization and shame. If uninterrupted, the displeasure of the feelings of demoralization and shame will bring him right back to the beginning of the addiction cycle.
Again, the relapse didn’t descend upon him as a cruel fate. It didn’t just happen. It took a few dozen steps for this client to arrive at relapse. At each of those steps, (or links in the chain) he could have intervened with a cognitive change or a healthy behavior to prevent the relapse.
A willingness to learn new responses to old stimuli, an openness to new ways of behaving and thinking and a continuing determination to practice new skills until they become automatic is essential to making your relapse prevention program work for you. One definition of “determination” is the ability to stay the course regardless of thoughts and feelings. You just keep doing the next right behavior on your addiction recovery plan, regardless of your feelings or your perceived discomfort. Treatment of addiction means nothing if it’s not used as a springboard for taking healthy, constructive actions to replace the addiction.
Relapse in sexual addiction recovery is a reality. While all addictions are relapse prone, it is the sexual recovery community who suffer most from the demoralization of repeated relapse. After all, we can live without ever being around alcohol or drugs,[link widoczny dla zalogowanych], but our sexuality is ever-present. Because ours is a sexualized culture, triggers, cravings, urges, cues, and high-risk situations are everywhere. The s*x addict, despite his best efforts to achieve continuous abstinence, may find himself continually returning to his addiction despite the knowledge of the damage it inflicts on him — disease, damage to primary relationship, social disapproval, financial loss,[link widoczny dla zalogowanych], and decreased self-esteem.
You are taught to dies-identify with the urge and to view it dispassionately as an alien force. I use hypnosis to set up imagery work with the client and ask him to imagine it as a wave, watching it rise and fall as an observer and not to be “wiped out” by it. This imagery technique is called “urge surfing” and refers to visualizing the urge or craving as a wave that crests and then washes on to a beach. In so doing, the client learns that rather than building until they become overwhelming, urges and craving peak and subside rather quickly if they are not acted on. The client further visualizes not being “swept away” but rather can see himself riding the wave on a surf board. This imagery fosters detachment from the urges and reinforces the temporary, fleeting nature of these phenomena.
You might want to pick up a copy of “Living Sober” (AA Worldwide) that provides plenty of ideas of alternative, pleasurable behaviors and activities.
A fantasy can be dispelled by discussing and understanding it with your therapist. I have also found that the fantasy life leaves a person as he matures and is getting satisfaction from real living. The fantasies will simply fall away.
The Ball and Chain
The cultivation of meaningful, realistic goals and clarification of personal values should precede the development a RP program. To counteract the pull of the addiction, you need to know why you’re motivated to work for addiction recovery.
The reality is that if having all the s*x you wanted could make you feel better or create a better life for you; don’t you think it would have happened by now? The problem is that s*x, despite its allure and the false promises it offers you, cannot make you feel better in a real or lasting sense. The authentic self is not nourished or healed through s*x.
Sexual fantasies have to do with a wish for something. For you to discuss a sexual fantasy is to admit that you have an unfulfilled sexual wish. There can be shame associated with having that type of longing. Getting rid of a sexual fantasy isn’t really possible. Once again, I challenge you to handle sexual fantasies by DOING NOTHING. People often try to get rid of their sexual fantasies or pretend they don’t have them. But trying not to think about them may give them more energy.
Stress Management (Relaxation Training)
In times of stress, the lure of immediate gratification (the pleasure, “high”, tension reduction, relief of distress) calls him and he responds, puppet-like, to the perceived inevitability of relapse. When caught in the addiction cycle of preoccupation, fantasies, euphoria, urges, cravings and the intense, and driving need for comfort and gratification, retreat into the comfort of the “erotic haze” is the only coping mechanism available to him at the time. The erotic haze is a dissociative state that allows the very real negative consequences of his behavior to recede from consciousness as the imperious need for immediate gratification becomes his exclusive focus. Most s*x addicts state that the sexual act itself is inconsequential. Hours spent in the dissociative “erotic haze” meet certain non-sexual needs. It is this euphoric self-state that the person is really addicted to.
Sexual Fantasy as a Trigger
Learning to tolerate sexual arousal without being sexual is a gift you give to yourself.
Relapse prevention intervenes before the client enters into the addiction cycle. While behavioral or cognitive interventions are still possible in the preoccupation and dissociation stages, once the client enters into the “erotic haze”, it is almost impossible to stop the process.
When I work with clients on a RP program, I use the metaphor of a behavioral chain that has many links. The bottom of the chain is relapse. Each link in the chain represents a relapse warning sign that you can observe as it happens and immediately intervene with one of your newly learned coping skills.
When fantasizing takes the place of reality, it’s very unhealthy. Remember a fantasy is a fantasy precisely because there are no downsides to it. There are no costs involved. Real life does not work that way.
Working a RP programs requires three things of you.
How it Works
As you look at the sample behavioral chain, you can see a series of emotions, thoughts and actions. You’re not asked to do anything about the emotions just now. Feelings come and go. Just notice that how you feel affects how you think and what you do at a given time. You can’t directly change feelings, but you can become aware of them and how they affect the other parts of your life. What you can change directly is how you think about things and what you do about them. First you look for every cognitive distortion on your chain and come up with alternatives ways of thinking that might be more in line with reality. Go through the chain, replacing the thoughts that led you down the dark sexual alternatives with better alternatives (Sbraga et al., 2000).
Motivation – Values and Goals
It is possible to control feelings for a bit of time, but they surface and fade away. Handling feelings is essential in relapse prevention because how you feel has a lot to do with sexual control problems. s*x addicts try to manage their emotions with s*x. Think for a moment how many times you have gone out looking for sexual satisfaction when you were feeling hurt, lonely, rejected, sad, angry, disrespected, anxious, depressed, fearful or unloved? And, of course, s*x makes you feel better – for a brief period. Unfortunately, this strategy of managing feelings just doesn’t work. If you really did a cost-benefit analysis of sexual acting out,[link widoczny dla zalogowanych], you might see that the benefit is fleeting and the costs…well, you know what they are.
Even though it seems as though relapse descends upon you, a force beyond your control that comes “out of the blue”, in fact, there is a long chain of events that lead you there. You can learn to find and control the chain of events that represent your particular relapse process. Clients learn how to go back in time to reconstruct all the internal and external links of the chain (thoughts, feelings, behaviors, urges, fantasies and external events) that have that led to relapse in their past.
I find that clients who place the blame for the lapse on themselves and see it as a dead-end, a treatment failure and experience shame and defeat are more like to move into full relapse mode. Other clients who view the lapse as a mistake that needs correcting and an opportunity to learn what needs to be changed in their RP strategy fare better in resisting the entrance back into the addiction cycle (Gorsky et.al., 1986).
Urges and cravings are physiological responses to internal or external triggers,[link widoczny dla zalogowanych]. You experience being pulled by the wish for immediate gratification,[link widoczny dla zalogowanych]. An RP program teaches you urge-management techniques. You are taught to anticipate and accept these reactions as a normal part of your addiction cure.
Fueling fantasies to give a higher level of excitement isn’t the way to go either. By “feeding” I mean to make them longer, more detailed and stronger than they started out. People fuel fantasies to work toward an inner “perfection.” But it can take over your life. You check out of reality and check into your fantasy. If you start holding real-life situations and people up to the standards of your fantasies, there is no way they can measure up.
When an addict has used immersion in the “erotic haze” as a coping mechanism to avoid pain and deal with life stressors for an extended period, it becomes his exclusive way of coping with life. However, the coping mechanism is maladaptive because it leads to suffering-inducing consequences. An RP program teaches adaptive coping skills that generate new behavioral alternatives, new ways of thinking, new choices, new experiences and, combined with other treatment modalities, offers a radically different way of being in the world.
Stress is the silent killer for all of us — more so for those involved in an addiction recovery program. Learning to deal with stress is critical. There are a number of relaxation trainings and stress management procedures I can draw upon to provide the client with a global increased perception of control, thereby reducing the stress “load” that any given situation may pose. Such procedures as progressive muscle relaxation training, recreational reading,[link widoczny dla zalogowanych], yoga, meditation, exercise and self-hypnosis are useful in dealing with the hassles of daily life. Also, through engagement in stress-management techniques, you will gain mastery over arousal states and emotions which before were believed to be beyond personal control.
This is an ordinary example of how you can end up doing exactly what you didn’t want to do. When your personal behavioral chain is pulling and you don’t try to break it until it’s too late, then you’ve gone and gotten yourself just in the place you’ve been trying to avoid.
Lifestyle Regeneration
Depending on each need, different clients need to be taught different skills. These may include:
With orgasm, the “bubble” breaks and reality sets in. Feelings of defeat,[link widoczny dla zalogowanych], shame, hopelessness and demoralization are common. Because his only way of coping with distressing feelings is sexualization, he returns to the addiction for relief of the pain that’s caused by the addiction because he doesn’t see any alternatives. He blindly goes to the source of the pain for relief of the pain. Thus we see the vicious, never-ending cycle of active addiction. We keep returning to the source of the suffering for relief from the suffering which creates more suffering so we again go to the source of the pain and so on and so on.
In the same way, what do you do when you’re triggered,[link widoczny dla zalogowanych], hot, horny, aroused and amorous? The answer is the same: DO NOTHING. s*x addicts have a false belief that they must do something about it no matter what. This is a lie. People feel aroused all the time and don’t act on the feelings. Happily married people are sometimes attracted to other people,[link widoczny dla zalogowanych], but they don’t have affairs. Priests and nuns feel sexual arousal but they honor their vows. Certain engaged young people choose to postpone s*x until after marriage. Somehow, they all survive without acting on sexual urges.
Managing Feeling-States
Motivation. You need to be consistently aware of the negative consequences of unregulated sexual behavior. Remembering the pain and suffering of being in active addiction can be a great motivator to change. Another motivator to staying active in dealing with addiction and working towards your life goals that would be unachievable if you’re involved in active addiction. The process of continuously doing what you’ve committed to do is itself a strong motivator. Active addiction gradually erodes your moral fiber and betrays your essential values. Knowing what makes life meaningful to you and re-committing to your essential values will be the motivational force and the foundation for the work ahead.
First you figure out what thought processes, high-stress situations and behaviors lead to the end-point of acting out. Sexual relapse is the end-point of a relapse process that may have begun last week, last month, or last year. You don’t get “struck” acting out. Sexual enactments don’t come out of the blue. There are many, many steps that lead to being in relapse mode. Cultivating mindful awareness of the warning signs of your particular relapse process is essential.
Here’s the deal: DO ABSOLUTELY NOTHING ABOUT YOUR FEELINGS! Feelings, if you don’t try to get rid of them, come and go rather quickly. When people try to control their emotions, the feelings don’t get the chance to dissolve as they should. They just keep coming back. FEELINGS DON’T KILL – THEY WILL NOT ANNIALATE YOU. THEY ARE NOT DANGEROUS. They create discomfort, and then they pass away. The important thing is to remember that you can handle any of your feelings that come up. You have a choice about whether or not to act out sexually and create more suffering.
A focus on learning to achieve and maintain a healthy, balanced life-style is key. This is based on the principle that a healthy, balanced life-style decreases one’s vulnerability to change warning signs into new behaviors and promotes mental and physical well-being in general. Issues addressed should include diet, exercise, rest, recreation and the balance between work (“the shoulds”) and play (“the wants.”).
Urges and cravings
Social Skills
Assertiveness Training
Communication Skills
Relationship Skills
Healthy Sexuality
Dating Skills
Positive Self-talk
Problem-Solving
The phases of this cycle consist of preoccupation, dissociation,[link widoczny dla zalogowanych], entering into the “erotic haze”, ritualization and sexual acting out, followed by despair, shame and guilt. The addict, because he has not developed ways of coping with overwhelming emotions, sees his only option for relief from the shame and self-loathing as the return to the beginning of the cycle. With time, the addiction cycle may escalate,[link widoczny dla zalogowanych], with greater intensity, more frequency, more risk and greater loss of control.
What it Takes
You learn how to be good at using you coping skills to stop your relapse progression by practicing. You are creating new, positive habits for yourself. These are habits that will take you towards your goals instead of stealing away the best years of your life.
Next you look at the behaviors in you chain and come up with realistic alternatives. If you find yourself in a high-risk situation, what could you have done instead? Write out a list of alternative behaviors that will instantly get you off the chain. Think of lots of options, particularly options that are give non-sexual pleasure with no negative side effects. Write your new coping mechanisms on a card and carry them with you.
You will your own life goals and enduring values that can guide you, as the North Star, towards restoration, recovery from addiction and the achievement of a satisfying and meaningful life. Most s*x addicts want to achieve real connection with others and not the mere illusion of connection. They want to build the genuine self-esteem that comes from living out one’s most cherished ideals and values and from the ability to regulate their feelings and behaviors. They want to stop the lies, secrets and deceptions that keep them in a perpetual state of fear, shame and self-doubt. Luckily, these goals are attainable.
Research has shown that people lapse, it is usually in response to negative feelings and to interpersonal conflicts. These events should always to consider high risk.
All addicts have problems with tolerating distressing inner states. Research shows that two types of situations are especially high-risk for relapse: Negative emotional states and situations involving an inter-personal conflict with a closed one. People go to any length to avoid certain feelings such as shame, fear, anger, loneliness, emptiness, depression and so on. Addicts avoid feelings through sexual acting out. You might consider other ways you have to not sit with feelings.
Skills Acquisition
You need to become very aware of the links in the chain, especially when warning signs go off. The next step is to look at each link in the chain and come up with alternatives (also called coping mechanisms) that are ways to get out of the chain when you are caught in it. Change a thought, you’ve off the chain. Do an alternative behavior, you’re off the chain. These are the ways to free yourself from becoming tangled up in the chain. An alternative is something you do instead of your usual response in a situation. An alternative makes it possible for you to think and behave in a different way that you did before.
As you learn new recovery skills (or healthier coping mechanisms), you’ll be able to use one of them as an intervention at various places in the addiction cycle. When you become aware of the warning signs of relapse, you immediately do something different than you’ve always done that will disrupt the pull towards acting out.
Despite planning and precaution, many clients committed to abstinence will experience a lapse after initial abstinence. Lapse-management techniques strategies focus on halting the lapse to prevent an uncontrolled relapse. I contract with the client to contact me as soon as possible after the lapse, and to evaluate the situation for clues to the factors that triggered the lapse. The client is instructed to leave the lapse-inducing environment and we immediately structure the experience as a slip-up, a mistake. Furthermore, the client is taught to reconceptualize the episode as a single, independent event and to see it as a mistake and not a disaster that can never be undone.
Mindful awareness of your inner processes. Enhanced knowledge and awareness of inner processes (see article on “Mindfulness Meditation.”) is necessary for most aspects of recovery, but more so in RP. Most of the warning signs of relapse occur unconsciously. Mindful awareness brings them into consciousness where they can be dealt with in adaptive ways. Mindfulness meditation fosters a sense of detachment between addictive behavior and your personal identity. Cultivating a “witness consciousness” that is balanced and non-judgmental trains you to become your own mind-scientist. With mindful awareness, you can see the warning signs of relapse as they happen so you can take proper action. Through mindful awareness and with the help of your therapist, you’ll learn to think about your thinking and observe and detach from painful emotional processes.
But there is hope. Addicts repeatedly return to their addiction because it’s what they know. The result of long-term addiction is a gradual erosion of the ability to choose different alternatives to deal with life. An addict just entering treatment is in a state of nil-choice. A relapse prevention program helps people who use sexual behavior addictively (1) to recognize factors and situations that are associated with an increased risk of acting out; (2) to cope effectively with sexual urges; (3) to recover rapidly from episodes to symptomatic behavior; and (4) to use such “slips as opportunities to learn about how their recovery plans can be strengthened.
You’ll learn new coping skills,[link widoczny dla zalogowanych], new options and new cognitive strategies to cope with external and internal stressors. You’ll become very familiar with the warning signs of your personal relapse process and learn that you can intervene at many points in that process with a healthy coping mechanism. Change a thought – and you’re out of the downward spiral. Do something different from you used to do – and you’re propelled out of the erotic haze into reality. Ingrained sexual habits can be transformed into behaviors that are under the regulation of higher, more mature mental processes involving awareness and responsible decision-making. You can begin to make a variety of choices that ultimately lead to the enjoyment of pleasurable experiences that are non-s*x related and have no negative consequences. The goal of Relapse Prevention (RP) is the restoration of the ability to choose, an increase in the client’s awareness and choice about their behavior, to develop coping skills and self-control capacities, and to generally develop a greater sense of confidence, master, or self-efficacy in their lives.
Lapse Management
So if you can’t change your feeling and they just happen, what are we to do about painful feelings?
The Basics
An important component of relaxation skills is that you will learn the skill of “self-soothing” which can give an experience of being able to generate within that which you’ve been seeking from without.
Your lifestyle should be balanced with the “wants” and the “shoulds”. Life stressors need to be balanced by genuine pleasure, shared activities and just plain old fun.
Working an individualized relapse prevention program is not part of treatment per se, but maintaining a relapse prevention (RP) program is probably the most critical element involved in staying sexually abstinent. If the person believes that the only goal of addiction treatment is abstinence, then little attention is paid to the perils and demands of the journey towards the maintenance of abstinence and continued growth as a person. In the process of recovery you’ll be faced with a plethora of temptations and stressors. The pull of powerful old habit patterns will beckon you. Failure to anticipate and plan for the stressors of recovery will result in immersion in the addiction cycle.
Following is an example of one of a client’s behavioral chain that led to relapse:
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Lucas doing business in Quanzhou. He ordered 2 point yesterday afternoon flight, going back home in Brazil for christmas. Can not think of, new problems crop up unexpectedly. Is, yesterday morning pack, but found it was missing, to call his girlfriend A Ling, but A Ling shut down.